This is a process and it isn’t coming to me naturally so this post will have loads of responses as I slowly and painfully learn how to be instead of being defined by what I do and produce.
I am coming to terms with the likelyhood of being rejected from all five schools to which I applied and there is no Dr. Debra Baker in this timeline and I am learning how to just be without fighing the lesson tooth and nail because at this point, it seems like a monumental waste of time but I will paint and I will work at least part time if I can find work and if not, I will have my student loans deferred and I might just kick the bucket and they won’t get repaid.
But, hey, the house will be clean and the garden will be lovely this summer and if I don’t get a PhD, I’ll get a puppy which will make miss Julianna happy.
Somehow, I will feel God’s love without any effort or merit and if I don’t get to use my brain, perhaps I’ll just be stupid and happy like half the world. I’ll learn to sit at Jesus’ feet and let other people do the work. But I will paint and write and opine and find a valuable lesson in it all.
Shit, I hope there is a parallel universe where this goes down differently.