I’m new at thinking a certain way and the lessons I’m learning are in flux. After all is said and done, I may come to radically different conclusions and if I do, I will write about the journey.
Last Tuesday, I was in a nasty valley of depression and today I feel a lot better.
My circumstances haven’t changed much.
My circumstances suck donkey balls.
I will contrast my feelings and attitudes on Tuesday and what is different at the time of this writing to get a sense of direction.
Last Tuesday, I was unable to use my technology.
I felt stupid.
I didn’t get to work out and didn’t have that nice rush of endorphins.
I was just rejected from my third of five applications.
I am being discriminated against based upon age.
That is making me feel old.
Put it all together and I feel like a pile of dog droppings.
What has changed?
What is different?
Wednesday was Julianna’s birthday and I didn’t want to be bummed for her birthday so I made myself cheer up.
I put on a fake cheerful front for her.
I reminded myself how much I loved her.
I finally got myself moving and a nice rush of endorphins was just what I needed.
I started applying for at least one job every day.
I decided if someone is going to discriminate against me because of my age, fuck them! Not literally, but fuck them! I do not want to work with a bunch of bastards that would be shallow enough to discriminate against me based upon my age.
The following are less here and now but they have been liberating and have helped me start thinking about life and I may be in the beginning of a new direction.
Serendipity and Synergy
The universe is singing me a love song and it is in the language of serendipity and takes a synergistic tone. It is when words are crafted perfectly and your song reaches the right ears.
These unexpected random but not little events do more than send chills up and down my spine; they confirm the unseen in my life.
They remind me not to worry about what to eat and what to wear like the Bible verse says, He knows when a sparrow falls, He knows every little need and he has clothed the lilies of the field, He will provide for His sons and daughters.
The time will come. I will apply year after year after year.
I will likely take some action, watch out.
But I will also live present and will not be defined by what other people think I am (or even if I’m) of any worth to them.
My book is amazing.
My mitotic spindles look like angels. So do my neurotransmitters.
My angels look like Klingon warriors.
My poinsettias look like fairies.
My fairies look like dragon flies.
And I haven’t said a single word about my science because my life is still rich and my children and my creative works will be here when I’m gone.
Nolite te bastardes carborundorum,